I suppose I just liked the idea that I wasn't totally stupid. I mean, if Steve didn't know, and I figured he knew a lot more than I ever would, then h...w was I gonna figure it out? And that made me think that maybe I didn't have to figure it out, like I wasn't even supposed to. There's comfort in that, in realizing that there's a limit to what you could understand, like the end of a race. Even though the track goes round and round forever, you have to stop somewhere, otherwise it's pointless. I. Week 4 From believing I was in command, to pleading and bargaining in, literally, a flash: I was flung back to the same feelings I had the first time I walked over the grill. And the same dilemma of how to win back control. It came down to this: how could I get back my self respect? If I did not keep my promise I would have cheated and been dishonest, but how could showing my pussy to teenagers be a way of regaining pride? And if I did, wouldn’t it show that they were in control, not me. I. More

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