"I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.My next crap could spell disaster.Went out last ni...ht and got really wasted.I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.The wife's back on the warpath again.She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens. At first I felt like a toddler clinging to his mother andanother big, bosomy woman as he tentatively takes his first steps. "Tiny steps, dear," Margie said. "Shorten your stride. You can't walk like a boy in heels. You've got to be dainty and ladylike. Put onefoot right in front of the other -- and put your toe down first, then your heel. Mincing ladylike steps, now. And swing your hips -- like mommy and I do. Be sexy, sweetie. Imagine you're a woman. Walk like wedo. Release your inner. More

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